today was a sad day. I determined to get out and work my business. My son was taken care of and happy, my clothes were clean and my face was done up. I had my morning time with the Lord and chewed on his word like it was sweet gum. Today was it for me, the day that I would turn the corner and move on with my life. As it turned out today was another yesterday for me and ever worse I experienced rejection, failure, and total exhaustion. By the time I got home I was ready to give up trying to be anything more than a devestated deadbeat mom with no future and no way out. Yeah... I really felt that bad. Then I started to ask God didn't you say that I could do all thing through you who strengthens me? I don't get it. Why isn't your word working for me? I know you speak the truth because I have seen your work and you are a masterpiece maker of lives. Why not mine too?
If you are just tuning in to my faith journey the cliff notes are that over the last year I gave up a job that I really didn't want to leave because the Lord told me to. Before I left my job I was presented with a business opportunity that was a god send (in my mind). It was faith based well founded and supported and the people in the business were AWE-SOME! I thought "I can do this". I really wanted to be home with my son more because I am a single mom and I thought he should get to see at least one of us consistently and often. Besides I figured I could get him potty trained and then get a better job or go back and finish my degree. Flash forward a year (11months to be exact) my 3year old is only partially potty trained, and all my laundry is a witness, my business has "fallen off so far that I can't find the balance sheet", notice The Music Man quote :), and I am not back at my school neither do I have a better job. Can you say ughhhh!!!?!!!?!! All I can do is cry when I think about it.
So here is the epiphany, maybe I was exhausted because I wasn't working in the areas where Christ has empowered me. I can do anything that Christ empowers me for. That would mean that other things may not be included. I know that Christ empowers his people to acheive everything that he has placed before them. Today I walked my son all over the city, played with him at the park, fixed food, travelled with my family, and am now writing as I watch my neice play with my sons toy car. None of these thing wore me out, and if you saw how far I walked you would look at me like I was crazy. I am not back at my home school, but thank Jesus I am taking a class at the community college. I am not working for money, but I am working to build a women's club, plan a family reunion, and helping in the children's ministry at my church. I was so far out of my element today that I forgot all that God is strengthening me for. I can't laugh about it today, but one day I will. Thank you Lord for strengthening me to be a mother, daughter, student, and christian. I know that I could do nothing without you, but that with you all things are possible. The joy of the Lord is truly my strength. Maybe I just needed a little more joy today. I'll try that tomorrow and see how it goes.